


Family Feud

by confused_screaming



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Family Feud - Freeform, LITERALLY, im sorry, its exactly what it looks like, just something i thought of after finishing the first series, not im not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:48:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10755159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confused_screaming/pseuds/confused_screaming
Summary: The gods and goddesses have decided to play a game of family feud with Apollo hosting. What could possibly go wrong?





	Family Feud

The lights flew on revealing a man in the center of the set. He dramatically swung around to face the audience. 

“Good afternoon Olympus!” he said enthusiastically into his microphone. With a dazzling gold suit and the classic Ray-Ban shades it was impossible to misidentify Apollo. The audience clapped. Some of them screeched and held up ‘I <3 Apollo’ signs. 

“Welcome welcome. I’m sure those of you in the audience know why you’re here but for those tuned in on Hephaestus TV we have a little special something for you. Tonight we will be playing Family Feud with my own dear family participating. I, the one and only Apollo, shall be hosting this once in a lifetime event. Let’s introduce them shall we.” 

He walked into the center of the set and pointed to the stands on the right. 

“First up on the blue team. Everybody let’s welcome…Poseidon!” 

Apollo snapped his fingers and up popped Poseidon in spot one on the blue team. Poseidon smiled and waved and summoned a high beach chair in which he sipped on his piña colada. 

“And now first up on the red team…Hermes!” 

This time when Apollo snapped his fingers the incoming god appeared in the first spot in the stands on the left furiously trying to get his phone to work. 

“I remember telling you I couldn’t make it.” said an irritated Hermes. 

“Yes but I don’t remember asking only telling.” Apollo countered.

“I have to work. I have a busy busy job. Do you know how backed up it’s gonna get?”

“Suck it up buttercup.”

If we win do we get rats? George spoke from the top of the phone.

Oh hush you. Martha said. I swear rats are the only thing you think about.

 

Meanwhile at Camp Half Blood instead of the usual campfire there was a giant flatscreen tv broadcasting the night’s special event. Campers were slowly filling in as the show progressed. Towards the back of the area the Stoll brothers had set up a betting booth and were most certainly going to make bank. And probably bankrupt a few people in the process. As more people filled in, the more noise there was to disrupt the program. 

“Hey brats if you don’t pipe down I’m turning you all into shrubs.” Dionysus threatened. 

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the vineyard.” Percy muttered from behind him. Annabeth slapped him on the shoulder. 

“I heard that Pacey Janson.” Dionysus said eyeing Percy as if deciding which breed of sea sponge to turn him into.

“Okay that one wasn’t even cl-”

Before Percy could say ‘okay that one wasn’t even close’ he suddenly disappeared from his spot next to Annabeth.

“Percy!” she shouted.

“Oh dear me what a shame.” Dionysus drawled as he turned back to the tv. When he looked back at the screen he raised his eyebrows. “Now things are getting interesting.”

 

One minute Percy was in camp and the next he was blinded by bright lights. When he regained his sight he noticed he was in some sort of game show. The real shocker came when he looked to the person on his right.

“Dad!?” Percy exclaimed.

“Hello son.”

Then Percy looked at the figure in the center who was obviously the host.

“Apollo!?”

“You know it. Did you miss me? Don’t answer that I know you did.” Apollo flashed his award winning smile. No seriously he won the Model of the Year award with that smile. 

“Why am I here?” Percy asked.

“To play a game duh. What does it look like?”

“No I meant-”

“And moving on to our next contestant!”

“Oh we are so going to win this Percy. We got this in the bag.”

“Dad I really don’t think-” Percy was once more interrupted. This time by a war cry. A war cry from a war god named Ares to be precise. 

“Let’s get this party started! I’m ready to crush the other team to a pulp!” he yelled.

“I’m sorry what? You think your team is going to win? That’s cute.” Poseidon said. He threw an arm around Percy. “Isn’t that cute?”

“Please don’t drag me into this.”

“Apollo why is he here?” Ares asked. He looked at Percy as if he was a cockroach that needed to be crushed. 

“I thought it would spice things up. You know bring up the ratings.”

Before Ares could form a response, the side door flew open. In walked Artemis muttering something about ‘tracks’ and ‘north’ and ‘may only have a few days’. She then seemed to realize she was no longer out in the wilderness, took one look at Apollo, and said, “Oh Gods no. Nope I’m out of here.”

“Sorry sis no one leaves until the game is over.”

True enough where there was a door before there was just a regular wall. Apollo smirked. 

“Please join the blue team.”

Artemis glared at her twin but walked over to stand next to Percy anyway. The sooner this was over the better in her mind. She regretted everything that had led her to this point. 

Apollo quickly moved on to the next contestant for the red team. It also appeared that he moved the next contestant a little too quickly considering she shrieked at him when she arrived.

“Do you know what you just did!? You made me smear my eyeliner!”

“Aphrodite please you look beautiful as always.” Apollo said trying to calm her. She was lethal with a eyeliner stick. Truly lethal. 

“This needs to be redone.” Aphrodite said. She summoned up a mirror and handed it for Ares to hold up for her. “This is a game show studio. Isn't it supposed to have good lighting? Good gods it's horrible in here.”

“This is a bigass mirror.” Ares commented. It was way heavier than it looked and even a kind of heavy for him. Not that Ares would ever admit that of course. 

“Correction it is a perfect mirror so I can have perfect eyeliner. There done.” She magicked away the mirror. “You can start introducing people again.”

“Riiiight well now that that’s over let’s give it up for everyone’s favorite married couple!” Apollo said into his mic. He snapped his fingers once more and true to his word Hera appeared in the spot next to Artemis and Zeus in the spot next to Aphrodite. Zeus took in the scene around him and blinked.

“Wait family game night wasn’t tonight right?” he asked.

“Oh please Zeus we had to cancel family game night after the last incident remember?” Hera said. 

“Oh yeah. That was a shame truly we should start it up again.”

“I like the way you think pops.”

“Apollo don’t ever call me pops again.”

“Then what would you prefer Zeus? Pa? Da? Old man?” Poseidon paused for effect. “Daddy?”

The entire room groaned. 

“Please never say that again in my presence.” Artemis said. 

“That was something I never knew I never wanted to hear you say dad.” Percy muttered.

“For once I agree with your son. Now I’m ready to win so can we get on with the show again?” Ares asked. 

“Well since you’re so eager I’ll introduce the last person on your team.” Apollo snapped his fingers for the second to last time and up popped Athena. 

“Oh we are so going to win. You’re going down fish breath!”

“I’ll believe it when I see it twinkle toes.”

“Ladies ladies you're both pretty.” Hera said in an attempt to create peace. 

“Yeah anyway I'm going to bring in our last contestant. He's big, he's bad, he doesn't know i'm still forcing him into this, welcome Hades!!” 

“...and you will not believe how bad the traffic has gotten. I've had to hire more security and traffic ghouls and most of them are still working overtime. All I want is one simple highway system but no that's apparently too much to ask.”

“Hades we don't need another one of your traffic rants. We've heard them thousands of times already.” Zeus said. 

“Well it apparently hasn't been enough times. As I was saying…” Hades continued his rant and Percy saw an opportunity to escape. He quietly backed away from the stand and went to try and get into the audience. He thought he'd made it when a hand grasped the back of his shirt collar and pulled him back into his spot. 

“You don't want to miss this trust me.” his dad told him. 

Percy just pouted and crossed his arms over his chest and looked like the sassy lost child he is. 

“Maybe Charon could help with the traffic?” Hermes suggested. 

“Oh don't even get me started on Charon! Ever since Percy Jackson, yes I see you there, came down into my realm he's been even more impossible that he was before! He keeps begging for a raise that he doesn't even need. He just wants to expand his Italian suit collection. He even threatened to go on strike!”

“Well did you get him to cooperate?” Hera asked. 

“Nooo not at all I just let him do his thing. Of course I got him to. It only took a small run for his life in the mines fields of surprises.”

“Idiots. All of you.” Athena muttered to herself under her breath. 

“Well now that we're all here let's get this show on the road shall we. The rules are simple. There will be four rounds. At the beginning of each one person from each team will come up and stand by their respective button. I will ask a question and whoever hits the button first gets to answer. If you answer incorrectly the other team gets a chance to steal. If you answer correctly then you get to choose to take play or give control to the other team. If you choose to play you will try to reveal the rest of the answers one player at a time. You may not confer with each other. After three strikes the other team gets one chance to steal the points. If they say a correct answer on the board they get the points. If they get it wrong you get the points. Any questions? No. Alright first two come on up.”

First up were Hermes and Poseidon. The game was on. Apollo looked down at the first card in his hand and at both gods. Four boxes appeared on the screen numbered one through four from top to bottom. 

“In a survey of one hundred people we asked: who is the best god or goddess?”

Hermes slammed his hand on the button. 

“Me. Hermes.”

A big, red X appeared at the top of the screen. 

“Sorry to say you are incorrect. Poseidon would you like to try to steal?”

“Obviously. I'm going to say myself because y'know one of the big three. Kinda a big deal.”

“Let's find out. Show me Poseidon!” Apollo swept his hand towards the screen. Once more an X appeared on the screen. 

“Tough luck. Moving on to the next contestant. Ares wanna give it a go?” 

And so he got all the way to Zeus. Each person picked themselves, except for Percy who said Dionysus out of fear, and still no one had gotten an answer. 

“I'm feeling generous today,” Apollo started, “So I've decided I'll just show you the answers.”

The boxes flipped over and revealed the answers. Each one was worth 25 points and they all said Apollo on them. 

“Bullshit.” Ares said. 

“The board does not lie but I won't hold it against any of you. Not everyone can be perfect like me.” 

Artemis snorted. “Just keep dreaming.”

It was time for the next question so Percy and Ares walked up to the button table. Ares drew a line across his throat with his finger. Seven boxes appeared on the screen. 

“According to men: you should never interrupt a woman when she is ____?”

Both slammed their hands on the button but Percy was just a little bit faster. 

“Talking.” 

The first answer on the board flipped over revealing the answer. Twenty-three points were added to their score. Percy could feel Ares dislike for him growing as he glared. 

“Would you like to play or pass?”

“We're gonna play.”

“They're gonna play!” The audience clapped and Apollo moved to the blue team's side. 

“Hello sis-”

“Reading.”

“What?”

“My answer. Reading.”

Another box flipped over as Apollo pouted at his sister. Six points were added to their total. Apollo moved onto Hera. 

“Got another correct answer for us Queen Hera?”

“I do actually. Never interrupt a woman when she is sleeping.”

“That would be a very unwise decision wouldn't it.”

“Indeed.”

A third box flipped over. They gained a grand total of ten more points. The blue team was on a roll. 

“Well Hades you have experience with women. You should never interrupt a woman when she is..?” 

“Um planting?”

A large X appeared on the screen. Poseidon gave Hades a ‘Are You Fucking Kidding Me Right Now’ look. 

“When you have to live with two women obsessed with planting and agriculture and such come find me.”

Poseidon got them another eight points with bathing and both Percy and Artemis got them their last two strikes. The red team had a chance to steal.

“Aphrodite when should you never interrupt a woman?” Apollo asked.

“When she is doing her make-up.” 

A large X appeared on the screen. Then the remaining answers flipped over and the blue team’s total showed forty seven points. They moved on to the next face-off. This time it was Artemis versus Aphrodite. The screen now showed six boxes. 

“We surveyed sixty demigods and asked them to name something that might be described as hot.” Aphrodite’s hand hit the button the second Apollo was done speaking. 

“Me.” she said. Athena looked into the camera like in the office. Once more a large X appeared on the screen. 

“Here’s your chance to steal sis.”

“Fire.”

The box that said fire flipped over and the blue team got sixteen more points. In this round Hera got them their first strike when she said Florida, Hades got them twelve points when he said an oven , Poseidon got them another strike when he said forges, Percy got them another twelve for the sun, and Artemis struck out when she said a volcano. Hermes was given the opportunity to steal the points. His answer was coffee, and he looked in desperate need of some, which gave the red team a total of fifty points.

“Hera and Zeus please make your way down.” Apollo said. Each took their teams respective side. 

“What is it the mortals say these days Zeus? I’m going to kick your ass.”

“You’ll have to get your head out of yours first.”

Apollo stepped in before anything drastic could possibly happen. The board now held only four answer boxes. 

“Tell me a reason why a baby might be cranky.”

Zeus hit the button faster. He said, “It’s hungry.”

The first box flipped over and was worth thirty two points. The red team decided they were going to play. 

“It’s finally your turn Athena.” Apollo said.

“Took long enough. My answer is tired.”

Another box flipped over adding another seventeen points. Apollo sauntered his way back down to Hermes. 

“Hermes give me another reason why a baby might be cranky.”

“It got thrown off Mount Olympus.” he answered. An X appeared on the screen. 

“That was so savage.” Poseidon said. 

“It was one time.” Hera and Zeus said at the same time. Slowly but surely an argument between most of the gods and goddesses was starting. Eventually it got to where each team was accusing the other of cheating and rigging this game and other previous games in their favor. 

“Guys chill it's just a game.” Percy said.

“This is not a game! This is war!” Ares yelled. He, Poseidon, and Zeus were now all arguing on opposing sides of the button table. Apollo slowly backed away towards the center of the stage. 

“This is why we can't have nice things.” Artemis said to anyone near her listening. 

“Has this happened before?” Percy asked. 

“Last time we had family game night we played Monopoly.” Hera began to explain. “Eventually Zeus started losing to Poseidon and blasted the game to pieces. We don't talk even about the Uno incident.”

The fight quickly escalated behind Percy as he was talking to Hera and Artemis. Apparently Zeus said something that angered Poseidon so he took all of the water from the glasses and dumped it on Zeus. 

Poseidon laughed. “You look like a drowned rat.” 

He didn't laugh for long because Zeus got him back with a bolt of lightning. Everyone in the room froze and Zeus smirked. Poseidon broke the silence with an angered cry and leapt across the table onto Zeus. And that's when all hell broke loose. Ares shouted a YES!, brought out his sword, and cleaved the table in two. Hermes unlocked his phone and recorded the whole thing for blackmail. Hera rubbed her fingers against her temples. She was already planning a vacation. Hades decided then would be a good time to skype Death about the week's death totals. Percy wasn't sure whether he should run while he could or stay put and not risk it. Athena tackled Aphrodite to the ground. Aphrodite shrieked, “Not the hair!”

Athena went for the hair. Artemis just looked at the chaos in disappointment and muttered, “Men.”

Apollo decided that was a good time to wrap up the show. “Well folks looks like this episode of Family Feud is over! I hope you enjoyed it because this will unfortunately definitely not be happening again! Hopefully we will see you tomorrow! Have a great evening Olympus!”


End file.
